No one wants to have regrets. No one wants to look back and think, “I should have done that differently.” But I think about these things often…the what if’s?
Will thinking about these things change anything? No, and I know that, but so many questions fly through my mind.
What if I would have just had the scheduled c-section?
What if I hadn’t had that induction massage?
What if I would have labored longer with my first instead of deciding on the c-section after 3 hours of pushing?
What if I wouldn’t have been selfish and persistent in trying the VBAC?
What if all of this would have resulted differently for the better? Or the worse?
What if’s can consume you if you let them. Every once in a while, I will allow myself to think of these what if’s, then I move on. Thinking about these things cannot change the past, but I will always wonder. Just like I would have wondered if I could have had the VBAC if I hadn’t tried. There will always be something to wonder about.
I received my medical records this week and, while I need to speak to a doctor or medical professional to fully understand, pretty much what I thought happened, did. It also helped me to understand the timeline of everything a bit more.
All of this brought up all the things I missed, though. My son’s first cry, first bath, his first days, bonding with him, just being with him. Seeing them take his footprint, all the tests, his first diaper change…I look back on this and it hurts SO much to know I wasn’t there for the first few days of his life. That I wasn’t there to help take care of him. That I wasn’t able to do what a mother should be able to do after a baby is born.
And then there was my daughter. I was there when she first met her brother, but I missed seeing her really become a big sister. I missed being there when family came to visit. I missed being there for my husband.
When I came back from the ICU and saw my daughter for the first time, she looked different to me. She looked older, more grown up. I said something to my mom about it, how she looked so different and she got worried, thinking there was something wrong with my memory. I told her it was nothing, but I think that in those few days, just like a mom and dad change when they become parents, she changed when she became a big sister and I missed seeing her grow into her new role. She had changed, from the inside out.
I am so thankful to be here, that we are a family and that things did not go in a different direction, but I think I’ll always have what if’s. They always lead me to asking, “What if this didn’t happen. Where would you be today?”
I honestly do not know how life would be different. And, while I have all these questions, I wouldn’t change my story. It has led me to becoming a totally different version of me. I was changed by this experience, rocked to my core. I learned what it means to be truly grateful to be alive, to experience all the little things, to not take things for granted.
So, while my story isn’t what I expected it to be, it is my story and I wouldn’t be who I am today without this experience. It wouldn’t have taken the road I am on today. I am truly changed for the better.